A (hopefully) New Beginning

It’s been a year and a half since I graduated high school, I’m 19 years old and I have absolutely, positively no plan for the future. I don’t have a job, I have drained what little savings I have, and oh goodie, just in time for the holidays.

Now if I’m being honest, the holiday season bums the hell out of me. From November 1st to December 31st, all I want to do is die. I mean, yeah, I know it’s the most wonderful time of year. I know that there’s supposed to be cheer and happiness and thankfulness but it’s also lonely and overwhelming and disheartening for people like me.

Ever since I was a kid, the holidays never were the happiest time of year, I mean, they were cool, presents and food, who doesn’t love that? But then I reached the terrible teens and honey, did I realize how uncomfortable I was during the season. I’m adopted, so I’ve always felt like an outsider in my family, not for any particular reason, more so a hodgepodge of reasons. It got worse when I turned 15, my anger and my moody angsty teenage shit was heightened and that’s right when I lost most of my friends, for reasons I won’t get into now, but it was bullshit, and my eating disorder developed. So my teen years sucked. But even now, as an ‘adult’, I feel the same way. Like an outsider. Being around family makes me uncomfortable because everyone in my family has their shit together, except me. Of course I’m referring to my older/same age cousins, and not the younger ones. They all have cars and long term relationships and college. I have nothing. Because of how crappy my childhood was, I never really got that head start that most kids get, a college fund, a supportive family, a plan, etc. So when I graduated and got kicked out of my house, I had no idea what to do. I was working part time at a grocery store, so I moved in temporarily with a friend for about a month, and that didn’t work out, so I moved in with another friend, with whom I live with currently, and have for over a year. I’m incredibly lucky to have been able to move in here, but I can’t stay here forever.

I have no job currently, as I said before, I’ve gone through a few, quitting most of them, (I was fired from one, unfairly, but still fired). My depression and anxiety constantly get in the way of keeping jobs, and it sucks. I know I need one, but it’s miserable to have one. In all honesty, I’m not sure how much longer I can handle working shitty part time jobs with no real future.

Which is exactly why I’m looking into becoming a digital nomad. I’ve looked at communes, nomad life, shelters and even places like Slab City. Traveling while broke isn’t easy, obviously, but I’m hoping that within a few months, I can gather some money for a bus ticket before I head out to California maybe. Perhaps I’ll check out Slab City, since I have nowhere to go. Maybe I’ll stumble upon a place like it. I don’t know, everything is so new. There are so many options. My parents and family won’t approve of this, but then again they don’t approve of most of the things I do. Like being pansexual. Like not being Christian, like dating girls, like wanting to travel the world, like wanting to be a mortician, my whole life has been disapproved of. I’m used to it. But I wish that I didn’t have to be. It’d be nice to hear someone say “hey, you’re doing your best, and it’s okay that you don’t know what you’re doing. This is the time to make mistakes. So travel the world, fall in love, change your diet, do whatever you want. And no matter whether or not you succeed, I’ll be here, cheering you on, supporting you, and waiting to celebrate.” Wouldn’t that be nice? It’d be the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

Anyway, I doubt anyone will read this, but if you do, I’m counting on you guys to keep me on track. Don’t let me back out of leaving.

Sincerely, Novelty Nomad. xx